


Silence

by MintyEye



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff and Angst, No Relationship, One Shot, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:14:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23079940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MintyEye/pseuds/MintyEye
Summary: A short one shot with Saeran that is partially based off of my experiences with depression.This is more of a vent fic I had written, so there's no real plot, but it does have an ending.
Kudos: 17





	Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Just to be safe,,
> 
> TW: Depression
> 
> If you're bothered by that, or if it would trigger you, I strongly suggest not reading this;;

The red letters on the clock read 3:15 A.M, bold and bright compared to the pitch black color of the rest of the room.

Saeran had groaned, opening his eyes to read the clock before rolling over in bed, the feeling of restlessness seeping into him slowly. Despite it all, the exhaustion felt was strong, his eyes felt heavy as he desperately had tried to sleep to no avail. 

The room was dead silent, a chilling cold without the heating on. Even then, Saeran had felt uncomfortably hot, like the sun was beating down on him during a fresh summer day. A bead of sweat had slipped down his forehead, his cheeks flushed red. His throat felt sore and dry from dehydration, the pounding of his head and the growl of his stomach telling him he was hungry.    
  
He told his mind to move, to get up and grab something, but his body had refused to move. He laid there, looking to the wall opposite of the clock, thoughts running at a mile an hour. He curled in on himself a little, the brown sweater he wore causing him more discomfort than necessary. The longer he sat there in silence, the more his thoughts intruded, berating him, hurting him.   
  
_ You’re just a burden to Saeyoung. _

_ They’ll never forgive you for what you’ve done. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ You’re so weak. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Mother was right, you are worthless. _

It grew gradually harder to breathe, the longer he thought to himself. It felt like he was lost in a forest that never ended. The longer he walked in one direction, the less familiar everything became. He could run, or fight against his thoughts, but he’d always be led back to nowhere. It suffocated him, causing him to fear his own mind.   
  
He could feel a tear slip down his cheek. It had snapped him out of the forest and back to the present, where he could feel the bedsheets under him, and the duvet covering him. It kept him warm, but he was already hot enough. He slowly moved his hand close enough to his face to wipe the tear away, frowning heavily as he still hadn’t found the energy to get up.

Plus, if Saeyoung had caught him awake at this hour, he’d worry Saeran was sick again.

Saeran shook his head slowly, fighting the urge to just lay in bed without moving. Rolling over again, he forced himself to sit up on the edge of the bed, looking at the clock again to see how much time had passed since he had woken up. His whole body felt heavy, as though it rejected the idea of doing anything but sleeping and crying during the early mornings.

3:25 A.M

All of that in just 10 minutes, yet it had felt like an eternity.   
  
Just looking at the clock, it felt agonizingly slow, as if time was frozen in place, never to move. Saeran had glared at the clock, a small feeling of anger washing over him as he desperately wished for time to move faster, so he wasn’t stuck in the same loop over and over again. Each day felt the same.   
  
The same black and white colors that painted the rooms, the sky, his surroundings. The same radio silence that had always seemed to persist, no feeling of joy or happiness regardless of what anyone did to cheer him up. MC’s smile, Saeyoung’s constant jokes and attempts to make him laugh, none of it sparked any sort of emotion in him.   
  
He felt so empty.

He stood up, nearly falling over due to a weakness in his legs. A weakness that came from not getting out of bed for days, not even for food. He turned around to grab his phone, unplugging it from the charger and turning on the flashlight. Saeran’s headache pounded as he walked slowly towards the door of his room, not wanting to waste more time than he already had. Even with the flashlight on to show him the way, it was hard to see anything in front of him.   
  
He opened the door and stalked towards the kitchen, leaning against the wall as his stomach growled just thinking about the food he’d have to make. 

_ Stupid, can’t even take care of yourself. _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Such a disappointment. _

He opened the fridge, hoping to find something edible to eat. All he found was cans of Ph.D Pepper, and for some odd reason, Honey Buddha Chips. He closed the fridge door, bending over to open a cabinet near the floor. He grabbed a cup of instant ramen, placing it on the counter before turning on the electric kettle.

The light to the kitchen turned on abruptly, startling Saeran and causing him to turn around angrily. There, standing near the switch, was Saeyoung, who looked at him with an eyebrow raised.    
  
“And what would my lovely little brother be doing awake at this hour?” Saeyoung had tried to act playful with him, but Saeran could see right through him.   
  
Saeyoung was worrying, and he was going to ask questions.    
  
“Making ramen, dumbass.” Saeran retorted, looking unpleased with the scare he received from his brother.

“Saeran, both you and I know that’s not the right answer.” There it was, the look Saeyoung gave him when he was getting serious.   
  
Saeran had to resist the urge to groan, to just walk away right then and there.   
  
“Well what do you want me to say? You want me to confess my feelings or something?” The electric kettle beeped, letting Saeran know that the boiling was done.   
  
While Saeran poured the boiling water into the styrofoam cup of noodles, he could hear Saeyoung walk closer to him. It caused Saeran to tense up considerably, uncomfortable with the presence of another person while he was still so vulnerable.    
  
He stalled a bit, taking longer than usual to turn off the flashlight on his phone before turning to face his brother.   
  
“No, I want the truth. You’re not normally up this early, what’s going on with you?” Saeyoung knew well how to ask questions to Saeran.   
  
But Saeran remained silent. He stared his brother down with his mint eyes, his gaze quiet yet filled with intensity. Saeyoung didn’t even flinch or appear bothered by it, he just stared with the same concerned stare he had whenever it had something to do with Saeran. Illness, random outbursts of anger, it was always that gaze.   
  
“It’s none of your business.” Saeran grabbed a plastic fork and tried to walk away, but Saeyoung was quick to grab his sweater and keep him in the kitchen.   
  
Saeran had nearly dropped his ramen as the force of being held back caught him by surprise. He stood there, waiting for Saeyoung’s next move.   
  
“Just look at you, you’re so skinny. When was the last time you ate?” The questions kept coming, and all Saeran did was stand there and remain silent.   
  
There was no breaking free from it, because Saeyoung had that bad feeling in his gut. Saeyoung had always felt that way when Saeran had bad thoughts, and he knew it.   
  
“Why do you keep worrying about me? Don’t you have work to do?” Saeran had tried to snap back, but Saeyoung persisted.   
  
“And you look so pale, are you sick?” Saeyoung tried to place a hand on his forehead but Saeran backed away, frustrated. 

“Just go away, leave me alone.” Saeran finally managed to leave, nearly running back to his room to shut himself away again.   


He didn’t want the cycle to continue. He didn’t want to feel like he was always submerged underwater, unable to breathe or move out of fear. The water was always cold, and always so dark that he couldn’t see. It was a sea of thoughts, one he’d always be trapped in.

He just wished for it all to be over soon.   
  
As Saeran ate his ramen, he could feel tears start to slip down his cheeks again, this time more than before. He placed his ramen down, unable to finish it as he fell into another crying fit. He curled into himself again, a ball-like appearance on the edge of his bed. Paralyzed and unable to move, he struggled to do anything but make his black sweatpants damp as he cried into them. He almost didn’t hear the quiet creak of his door opening. He almost didn’t feel the dip of the bed next to him.   


But he did feel a pair of arms wrap around him. 

Saeran quickly uncurled himself and buried his face in Saeyoung’s shoulder, the familiar scent of his twin calming him down just a little. The guilt of crying into Saeyoung’s sweatshirt, and possibly ruining it, crossed his mind, but in the moment he didn’t care. He could feel Saeyoung’s frown, but there was that comforting feeling of his hand rubbing up and down his back.   
  
Even while they were adults, Saeyoung was still the stronger twin. Still taking care of Saeran.   
  
All of this had reminded Saeran of when they were children, still in that horrible house with their mother.   
  
All of this crying had exhausted Saeran so much. He felt so tired and out of energy, but he needed to eat. If he didn’t take care of himself, he’d get sick again.   
  
“Saeran.. Everything will be okay.” He heard Saeyoung.    
  
But whether or not he believed his words, was unknown.

“Please get some rest, MC and I will make breakfast tomorrow so you won’t have to eat ramen.” Saeyoung continued.   
  
But Saeran had to keep himself from laughing, even while crying. Because looking at the fridge, there was nothing but chips and soda.   
  
“Are you sure we even have enough for breakfast, idiot?” Saeran had replied, pulling himself away from Saeyoung, but not from the hug.   
  
He was sure then that his eyes looked red and puffy from crying, but he desperately tried to dry his tears with his sleeve. Not wanting Saeyoung to witness his emotions any longer.   
  
“Yes, now go to sleep please. You need the rest.”   
  
Saeran had nodded slowly, but he knew his brother wouldn’t stop clinging to him. So Saeran allowed himself to rest on Saeyoung’s shoulder, finally letting himself close his eyes, no longer wanting to feel the pain that came from forcing them open while they were desperately trying to close.   
  
It didn’t take him long after to fall asleep in Saeyoung’s arms.   
  
For the first time, it felt like something different had happened.   
  
A deviation in the cycle that had continued the same, and had never ended.

  
  
  



End file.
